My dad keeps telling me about his sex life in graphic detail --[Reported by Umva mag]

Metro’s agony aunt Em Clarkson is here to solve all your problems.

This week, she’s giving out sound advice on how to set boundaries with an over-sharing parent and having different standards of cleanliness to your partner.

Read on for this week’s reader conundrums and Em’s guidance.

My dad started dating again – finally – after him and my mum separated over a decade ago. I’ve been encouraging him to get back out there for a solid five years so I’m just pleased he’s willing to give love another go – he’s a catch. He’s got a pretty decent response on the apps and has been out on a comically large number of dates in the past couple of months, which seem to have gone well.  

I am happy for him, but the whole thing has blown up in my face as my dad has started talking to me about his sexual antics. From how pleasantly surprised he is at his pensioner date’s limberness, to talking about how he’s using moves he never did with my mum (I KNOW), it’s all a bit too much.  

I’ve tried to playfully say, ‘ahhhh I’m your child, please be quiet’ and he’s responded that I’m an adult, and seems a bit hurt that he can’t tell me all about his dates. I don’t want to discourage him from going out there and living life, but I need not to be in therapy for the rest of my life. How do I make it clear that he needs to keep our chats PG?  

Oh no, this is a DISASTER! I didn’t know where I thought we were going with this, but for your sake, I’m very sorry that this is where we ended up. There are times in life for firm boundaries, and this is one of them.

I think the next time he tries to include you in a run down of whatever moves he’s been showcasing recently you need to firmly say:

‘Stop it. I love you, I am delighted for you that you are out dating, and I want to be as big a part of all of your life – dates included – as you’ll let me be. But I am also your child, and while by law, I’m an adult, I’m still YOUR child and we’d do well to remember that distinction. There must be other people in your life you can talk about the sex to, otherwise, please start a diary. You have to leave me out of it because it’s weird.’

You can say it in a nicer way than that, but you’ve got to stay strong with the gist of it. It’s great that the lines have blurred between yours and your dad’s relationship and that you’ve been able to form a great friendship, but first and foremost you are parent and child and the parameters of that relationship need to be honoured at all costs.

If he doesn’t take you seriously when you lay your boundary down, I’m afraid you’re left with only one option and that’s to challenge the man to a game of top trumps.

He wants to tell you about a position? Tell him you love that one. How impressive is that that his pensioner date can do that with her legs? Not that impressive; say you do that all the time.

If he won’t hear sense you might be forced to out weird him. Hope not though, because even typing those words made me feel all kinds of gross. Good luck! 

I am a messy person and pretty lazy when it comes to household chores. I let my chair wardrobe build up a bit too long, and I prefer to do one big clean at the end of the week rather than tidy up as I go along.  

It’s safe to say I would never let my place get unbearably messy, and all chores will get done, but it’s just not my routine to do a little bit every day when it makes more sense to do it while I’m doing the hoovering, mopping, bedding change anyway.  

I’m happy with my system, but I’ve just moved in with my boyfriend, who is the opposite. If I’m cooking, I’ll clean the kitchen after I’ve eaten the meal, but he’s the type who will tidy up as he goes along. I accept that we both have different styles of doing things and that’s fine, but he is convinced his way is the only right way to do things, and it’s already stressing me out.  

I think I’m so much in my habits right now that changing is going to be really hard, but I also want him to loosen up a little and see things my way. Am I a slob in desperate need of house-training, or is he being a control freak? 

I don’t think either of you are either of those things; I think you’re just operating at either end of a spectrum and that’s actually an incredibly normal dynamic within a relationship. At least I hope it is because that’s my husband and I, to the letter.

While I have become a lot more organised since having kids and he’s relaxed into a bit more chaos, when we first got together we could not have been wired more differently.

I was a floordrobe girl, he was a ‘put the toaster back in the cupboard after you’ve finished with it so as not to clutter the surfaces’ guy (yes, really). Obviously we’d argue about this a lot because, that’s what you do in relationships, and from time to time we’ll still butt heads over our different approaches. But we have grown together in order to create a happy and harmonious existence for the both of us… (read: we compromised).  

I think you’d do well to talk to your partner about it at a time when you’re not already cross about it; don’t try and have this conversation mid fight or when one of you is frustrated with the other.

Ask him what his big bugbears are and, in turn, draw your own line in the sand. Clear communication is the key to this. There’s so much that changes when you live with someone and the adjustment across the board is just a really big one; it forces you to be a better communicator because if you rely solely on the hope that your boyfriend is going to read your mind and do this very specific thing that you want him to do, then you will invariably end up disappointed.

There will be stuff he can let slide, but things he needs you to meet him half-way on, and vice versa. But without having the conversation, you won’t know what each other’s big triggers are until you stumble upon them accidentally.

That equates to basically playing a perpetual game of minesweeper; you know there are bombs scattered around the place, but you’re not sure where they are. That is not a relaxing environment to cohabit. 

So establish some boundaries or ground rules. If he expects you to magically turn into Marie Kondo overnight then you will disappoint him; if you expect him to press the f**k it button and let the house fall into disarray, you’ll resent him.

My own insecurities around my messiness meant I took my boyfriend’s frustration to heart a lot (and like you, spiralled into this worry that I was a slob). By having an open line of communication on this stuff, you will be able to better manage your expectations for each other.

And that way, even if you can’t both keep your end of the bargain all the time, you’re able to acknowledge it and show really necessary respect to each other.

Both physically and metaphorically speaking, to sweep any of this stuff under the rug won’t make the problem go away, it’ll just leave you with a lumpy rug (which will upset him more than you probably).

His strength is not your weakness, your right is not his wrong. Try and be as chill as you can about it, don’t take it personally, and don’t, whatever you do, let it build up!

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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