At 14, I was blackmailed into sending indecent images to an older man --[Reported by Umva mag]

When I look back at my childhood, it’s like I am looking at someone else’s life and I am stuck outside.

All I want to tell my younger self is: ‘You don’t have to do this’. 

Growing up, I had very technologically-advanced parents who always taught me to be safe online. They said that if I was worried about something, to go to them. 

None of this seemed to matter in the end.

From the age of 13, I loved connecting with people on social media and meeting other fangirls who loved the same TV shows or boy bands as me. 

This was how my abuser first made contact with me, via X. He had a profile picture of a Dr Who character and commented on one of my tweets about a concert I had attended. 

He then messaged me directly to tell me we were similar in age and had similar interests in music and in YouTubers. He told me his name was Kyle*.

About a week or so into the conversation, he asked for a picture of my face. I sent one but felt confused when he sent a picture in return of an older man. 

Kyle quickly backtracked and told me he had meant to say he had children the same age as me.

He knew I had been judged based on my looks by peers at school, in particular over my weights and spots, and said I shouldn’t judge him. 

I was scared, and I fell into his carefully laid trap

I had shared this with him, talking about not fitting in at school and family problems, and he used it to gain my trust. 

But within a few weeks, he used this information against me and threatened to share secrets about me if I didn’t comply with his requests. 

Kyle’s first sexual move was an ‘accidental’ photo in his boxers he sent, before quickly telling me how embarrassed he was.

I’d have maybe believed him if he hadn’t then joked about it and asked me if I thought it was good. 

I was only 14. 

When I told Kyle I didn’t want to talk about it and tried to change the topic, he threatened to get me into trouble for having it on my phone, and said he would claim I asked for it.

I felt ashamed. He then said that if I sent one back, we would be ‘even’ and no one would be in trouble. I was scared, and I fell into his carefully laid trap and sent it. 

Things only escalated from there.

Kyle said he had connections to a band I liked and asked for my address to send me some money-can’t-buy gifts, which I gave him. 

He originally sent some fan merch, which was cool, even though I now realise anyone could have bought it online. Then he sent me a sexual toy and when I said I didn’t know what it was, he told me I had to learn to use it. 

I knew if I didn’t, he would share the explicit photos he already had of me with my friends and family. 

I was abused for over two years in a vicious cycle of torment, hiding away, praying that one day he would get bored of me

I sometimes wonder why I didn’t just end the calls or block Kyle, but I was a child. I felt powerless.

The worst thing about groomers is they truly make you feel like – without them – you are nothing. 

About six months in, I realised I wasn’t the only girl he was grooming. Kyle sent me photos of other young girls saying ‘this could be you’, which suggested he would put me online. 

He said he’d never shown my images to anyone else, but in the back of my mind I thought it was already too late. 

I was abused for over two years in a vicious cycle of torment, hiding away, praying that one day he would get bored of me and disappear. 

At one point my mum noticed a package, and I told her I had a boyfriend who was treating me. 

I was so worried that Kyle would share my images to everyone if I told anyone the truth. At times I felt like it became an endless cycle of trying to keep him happy. 

There was a time where he was staying in a hotel near where I lived and he told me I could meet him there. 

It took me over 10 years to realise I was sexually abused as a child

When I said I’d never be allowed, he offered to come over when my parents were out. I was so terrified that I told him they’d be working from home all weekend. 

I believe the abuse only ended when I began to get a bit older, around 17, and Kyle started to see me as a woman, rather than a child. 

I was relieved that I didn’t feel that pressure, but weirdly I felt lost, suffering a kind of Stockholm syndrome. 

The physical and psychological trauma that followed was challenging. 

As I moved past those years, I found intimacy difficult.

I also struggled with outbursts of anger, emotional dysregulation and depression. I was unable to look at my body without judging myself. 

It took me over 10 years to realise I was sexually abused as a child. 

I remember speaking to my husband about what happened to me as I was struggling with intimacy, and then he told me that what had happened was not normal and not OK. 

About two years ago, I was struggling with talking to men in situations and becoming withdrawn. I realised I needed to seek help and was soon diagnosed with PTSD from my experiences. 

Six months after that, I contacted the police, who told me that because I was no longer in contact or at risk they wouldn’t pursue it. 

I now share details of my life on social media and about loving your body after trauma – which sometimes involves lingerie photos. 

I want young people to know that no matter what, you are not in the wrong and you are not dirty

People ask how I can publish them, but knowing there are naked photos of my 14-year-old self somewhere is a lot worse. 

I wish I could go back and hug my younger self and tell her: ‘One day you will get out of this. One day you will have someone who truly loves you. You will survive.’ 

I want young people to know that no matter what, you are not in the wrong and you are not dirty. There is someone out there who will listen to you. 

The future for me holds a lot more therapy and understanding. I am now part of an amazing Lived Experience Group with the charity Marie Collins Foundation (MCF).  

I have always wanted to help people who have experienced technology-facilitated sexual assault, so in therapy my therapist and I spoke about how I could do this. After searching widely on the internet, I came across MCF. 

As part of their Lived Experience Group, I can try to make change alongside other survivors. I feel more confident talking about online sex abuse and being able to share my story in hopes that other people can see they are not alone. 

My life now focuses on my two children, ensuring they are happy and loved. I am also learning to feel safe and trust adults in authority. 

More than a decade after my abuse came to an end, I am now empowering women across the world on my social platform to show them that they are not alone.

I share my ups and downs and all about my life, and one theme is constant – anything I do, whether it’s posting photos or talking about trauma – is my choice. 

*Names have been changed.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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