I earn a good wage but still want a wealthy man – what’s wrong with that? --[Reported by Umva mag]

Chidera Eggerue has no qualms about openly stating she wants a partner with money.

‘I want a man who fulfils his role as a provider,’ she tells Metro. ‘If I want a guy in my life, he needs to benefit me as I benefit him.’

Although there’s no salary threshold per se when finding a partner, Chidera adds that she has certain criteria that needs to be met.

‘It’s more about sustaining a lifestyle,’ the influencer explains. ‘They need to be able to pay their own rent, afford to be able to pay mine, plus have spending money, plus buy gifts.

‘I wouldn’t expect that kind of treatment from a guy in a more entry level of his career and normally the men who can afford to facilitate that kind of lifestyle tend to be in their forties and fifties, further ahead in their career and higher earners.’

It’s a sentiment that echoes theTikTok phenomenon from earlier this year, when Megan Boni’s track, Looking for a Man in Finance – a catchy song about wanting a man who had a trust fund, was six foot five and had blue eyes – became the earworm of the summer and soon adopted as an anthem.

Megan’s song, however, was never meant to be taken seriously. She’s since said it was intended to lightly poke fun at single women having exceedingly high standards. 

But why are women holding such high standards – and does it deserve to be mocked?

Money matters

A report from the London School of Economics found that 38% women in the UK and Spain look to ‘marry up’ – choosing partners with greater levels of wealth and education – almost double the figure of women choosing to do the same in 1949. A recent YouGov survey revealed that 54% of under-45s believe financial compatibility is important for the success of a relationship with a romantic partner or spouse. 

Even just a cursory glance on TikTok sees numerous feminine dating coaches with tips on how to find a wealthy partner. Advice includes avoiding ‘low effort dates’, ‘being pretty and feminine’, and withholding intimacy. Many have amassed millions of views.

For Chidera, relationships are transactional. She believes in using sex as a ‘tool’, making calculated decisions before she decides to be intimate.

‘Men take from us – whether it’s an ego stroke, whether that’s arousal, whether that’s them simply bargaining for some emotional labour that is often taken from us,’ she explains.

‘We rarely get anything in return, because as women, we are already pre-programmed to be of the belief that we are the caregivers and we are ever loving.’

Financial worries

Dating coach and relationship expert Sami Wunder is also seeing similar attitudes from women she’s working with, with an increasing number now seeking men with a high net worth. 

‘I specialise in working with ambitious professional women, who mostly also want a man who earns six figures,’ she tells Metro. ‘I’ve also had women who said they’re looking for men who have a minimum net worth of three million plus.’

Sami says she ‘understands’ why people are looking for richer partners, pointing towards the ongoing economic hardship people are facing; the Financial Conduct Authority found 7.4 million UK adults are struggling to pay bills due to the high cost of living. However, she admits she finds it ‘sad’ that some people are becoming completely reliant on their partner when it comes to their financial affairs.

‘This high focus on extreme wealth has made dating superficial,’ she explains. ‘It doesn’t consider other factors, such as how compatible you are long-term.

‘No man should ever be your retirement fund. No man should ever be your sickness fund.’

Chidera agrees that you should not be entirely reliant on a man for money. She’s highly successful in her own right; better known as the Slumflower, she has cultivated a large social media following, has written three books, fronts her Slumflower Hour podcast and is even hosting a talk in London’s West End later this year.

She by no means needs a partner for money – she just wants one.

‘It’s still important that you earn you own money, and have your own goals, dreams and ambitions,’ Chidera adds.

Maybe, but there are still a large number of women who are entirely dependent on their significant other financially; a study by Fidelity International in 2022 found two-fifths of women ‘do not consider themselves financially independent’, while just over one in ten women doubt they ever will be.

The desire to find a financially wealthy partner seems a far cry from the ‘hustle culture’ that dominated the 2010s. For Dr Corey Wrenn, senior lecturer in sociology at the University of Kent, girl boss culture is well and truly dead.

‘Women in the UK are almost twice as likely to be living in poverty than men,’ she explains. ‘Given difficulties women face in the economy given persistent sexism and the looming gender pay gap, no amount of ‘girl boss’ will elevate women’s economic status.

‘Focusing on the individual agency of a few successful women obscures the systemic sexism that prevents the vast majority of women—especially those who are racialized, disabled, or coming from disadvantaged backgrounds—from ever achieving “girlboss” status.’

 In Sami’s experience, it’s social media that has fuelled the number of people ‘looking for a man in finance’.

‘Instagram is filled with luxury lifestyle influencers, and they’re raising the bar for what is a good life,’ she explains. ‘And everyone wants a good life now.

‘Some people just see a wealthy partner as a quick ticket for this sort of lifestyle.’

However, for Dr Eliza Filby, historian and writer of Inheritocracy: It’s Time to Talk About the Bank of Mum and Dad, the truth is a little more complex than just women wanting a luxurious lifestyle. She points towards stagnating wages; the Economics Observatory found real wages grew by an average of 33% each decade from 1970 to 2007; but they are now back at the level they were at in 2005.

‘People are now looking for richer partners because there’s now a general sense of fatigue towards actually working now,’ she explains. ‘Why would you slog your guts out when it doesn’t pay well enough?’

The trad wife debate

Dr Filby also believes that this is why trad wife content – where women cook, clean and look after children at home while their husbands go out to work – is becoming increasingly popular on social media.

‘We are starting to revere female domesticity, because the feminist alternative we were sold which was, let’s go to work, that women can do anything men can, is actually just exhausting and that work doesn’t pay. It doesn’t buy us what it bought our parents.’

It is the access to wealth linked to class that is really what is causing this change in dating behaviours, argues Dr Filby.

‘The self-made man doesn’t really exist anymore,’ she explains. ‘The established middle class have had better access to opportunities, which enables them to go further up the career ladder more quickly. A man who works in finance is not as rich as they used to be. When people say they want to marry rich, they mean they want established wealth. They want parental wealth.’

Meanwhile, Dr Wrenn adds that while working women are expected to share financial responsibility with their partner, men in heterosexual relationships don’t necessarily share in the unpaid domestic responsibilities: ‘Let’s not forget the immense amount of unpaid (and often unrecognised) house work and care work that women are burdened with. The Office of National Statistics estimates women spend 60% more unpaid work than men.

‘Most hetero men today think they share equally with their female partner, but research shows that very little has changed in the actual amount of feminized labour they pick up. It is interesting that the conversation focuses on women and their supposedly greedy focus on material wealth, but we rarely turn the focus onto men who greedily benefit from hours and hours of free labour in the home.’

While some of the language around ‘bagging a rich partner’ may seem regressive, reinforcing outdated stereotypes from a bygone era, Dr Filby adds that we aren’t quite reaching Jane Austen levels of ‘marrying for a dowry’ of regression.

‘Women are coming to marriage and dating with the level of financial independence that we haven’t had before,’ she says, ‘Unlike our mothers, who transferred their kind of probably their financial dependence from their fathers to their husbands, we have the freedom to be choosier with partners, and rightfully so, as the world is already so stacked against us.’

 However, this insistence on financial transparency from the offset can unfairly feed into negative gender stereotypes that are being pushed by harmful and deliberately inflammatory voices online, such as Andrew Tate, warns Dr Wrenn.

‘By framing women as greedy, money-grabbing, gold diggers, men are able to essentially victim-blame women for their forced dependency and strategies of survival,’ Dr Wrenn says.

‘Historically, women have not been paid for their work or, if employed, grossly underpaid compared to men. This left them in an extremely vulnerable position where partnering/marrying with a man who could financially support them was really the only way for a woman to survive in a society that gave women next to no options for independence.’

With this in mind, what does the future of dating look like? Will finances always be the top of our priorities when it comes to finding a suitable partner? Dr Filby believes so, if the current economic climate remains as it is.

‘I think we’ll see the rise in prenups, and not just for married couples, but cohabiting couples too,’ she says. ‘I think we’re going to be more protective over our assets.

‘We also need to deal with men feeling emasculated over a female breadwinner.  We need to be more fluid when it comes to economic and domestic contributions to family life.’

But while finances are important, a man earning millions would not outstrip more important factors needed for a solid relationship; compatibility, support and love.

‘My partner needs to support me, encourage me and help me facilitate my dreams,’ Chidera says. ‘The ultimate takeaway has to be if a man’s coming into your life, he needs to make it better.’

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