I’ve realised taking orders in the bedroom doesn’t make me a bad feminist --[Reported by Umva mag]

My lover and I are standing across from each other, inches away from the bed.

He’s just had a shower and a few drops of water slide down his stomach and land on the towel he’s wrapped around his waist.

Even though he’s nearly naked and I am fully dressed, there is no question that he has the upper hand.

‘Take your clothes off,’ he tells me, without breaking eye contact.

My body aches for him. We’ve been teasing each other for hours, eagerly waiting for the friends we had over for drinks to leave so that we can have sex.

The air is tense with anticipation as I dutifully oblige and slowly undress for him.

He doesn’t move a muscle, just looks hungrily at my body as each layer is shed until I am in my birthday suit.

Only then does he finally touch me. 

He lifts me up, making me feel light as a feather, and places me onto the bed.

The sex is amazing and lasts for hours. My lover gives me orders along the way, telling me which way to move and bend, when to play with myself and where to touch him.

I am at the mercy of his every whim and I absolutely love it.

It’s taken me a few years to accept that I like to be submissive in the bedroom. I wondered what letting a man take the lead said about me, and whether I was letting womankind down. I now realise that’s nonsense. 

Outside of the bedroom, I am very bad at taking the backseat.

I manage a big team and work in a high pressure environment. Urgent deadlines are a regular part of my day. Switching off doesn’t come naturally to me.

I am also a fiercely independent woman who pays her own way and handles her own business. 

And yet, when it comes to sex, I enjoy nothing more than to take instructions.

Power play of this kind comes in many forms and I’ve tried quite a few of them.

One particularly delicious memory includes my partner tying my hands to the bedpost and having his way with me (with my consent, of course).

Another time, an ex and I tried ‘edging’ – which is when you take yourself or your partner to the point of orgasm and then stop to make the eventual climax more intense. I had to ask his permission to finish, which was torturous and incredibly hot all at the same time.

When I was in my mid-20s, I didn’t really think about power dynamics like this very much. I was still learning what I enjoyed and often dated older men who were more sexually experienced, so it felt natural for them to take the lead.

But as I grew older, and started writing and reading more about equality and women’s rights, I felt a bit uncomfortable with my choice in sexual partners, as well as the type of sex we had.

I’m not one to take the backseat in life – so I wondered why I did so in bed.

I worried about why I was drawn to strong, dominant men who weren’t afraid to take charge and where my willingness to give up control came from.

I contemplated this question for years and even discussed it with a professional once, just to get an objective opinion.

What my therapist told me – and what I soon realised myself – is that my sexual choices do not reflect who I am as a woman. 

To use a simple analogy: my lover might be the conductor but I decide whether or not I want to step onto the train. And, as it turns out, sometimes, I like just being along for a (very pleasurable) ride.

It actually makes perfect sense that I like taking a step back in bed after having to juggle so much day to day.

It is a freeing feeling – like exhaling after holding my breath for a long time.

I’m not the only one who struggles with the concept of being two different people in and outside the bedroom. Much of it has to do with feelings of shame or guilt. A recent study reports that nearly half of women (48.5%) and over a third of men (36.3%) experience sexual shame at some point in their lives. 

One friend told me she feels like a bad feminist because she is a big champion for women in her daily life but loves it when her other half calls her a ‘dirty slut’ in bed.

I listened to her and relayed an important message: ‘What you must remember is that willingly being submissive is a choice – and a powerful one at that. If anything, being able to let go and trust your sexual partner in this way is something you should be proud of.’ 

It’s OK if you enjoy being spanked or paddled, or want your lover to tie you up.

You are not less of a feminist if you like giving up control – and neither am I.

Do you have a story you’d like to share? Get in touch by emailing jess.austin@metro.co.uk. 

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