My parents got a large inheritance before my grandparents died. How can I ask to get my share now while my parents are alive? --[Reported by Umva mag]

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• For Love & Money is a column from Business Insider answering your relationship and money questions.
• This week, a reader whose family is wealthy doesn't want to wait to benefit from it.
• Our columnist says it's OK to ask — but that question should be approached gracefully.
• Got a question for our columnist? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

Dear For Love & Money,

I am lucky enough to come from a family with a lot of generational wealth. My great-grandparents passed down a large fortune to their kids, who passed it down to my parents when they died.

Before they died, my grandparents also used a large part of it to make their children's and grandchildren's lives a little better. They gave my parents enough to pay off most of their house, paid for my college, bought me my first car, and did the same for my sister and cousins.

Now, my parents have their share of the family inheritance. The money has been distributed to my uncle's family as well, but my dad's portion of it is still massive. 

My sister and I fully expected our parents to follow our grandparents' example and give us some money upfront. Not the whole inheritance, but enough to help us pay off some debt and make our lives a little easier. 

My parents have shown no signs of giving us a penny right now. I am sure they intend to leave it to us when they die, but until then, it doesn't seem to have even occurred to them to bless their children and grandchildren the way their parents did.

My niece will begin college next year, and my sister has dropped several hints. My wife says I need just to come out and ask them for some of the money because we could use the cash, but the idea of doing that makes me really uncomfortable. What do I do?

Sincerely,

Possibly Presumptuous

Dear Possibly,

If you are presumptuous, and perhaps you are, you have every reason to be. A large inheritance, it seems, is a family tradition — you lucky thing. Traditions are typified by the rituals that accompany them. In your family, this looked like the bulk of the cash going to the next generation, with a tidy sum set aside to ease the way for all direct descendants.

It makes perfect sense that you would have those expectations. However, no family tradition happens automatically, and each new generation must determine which parts of the legacy to leave and which to keep. In your case, this decision belongs to your parents.

I agree with your wife that asking directly is your only option for an advance inheritance payment. After all, your sister has already tried the heavy hinting method, and while you refer to it as "generational wealth" and "family inheritance," the money is your parents'.

That said, there are ways to ask that might ease your discomfort and increase your odds of getting a "yes." I wouldn't shy away from reminding your dad that his parents did the same for him. I wouldn't make this reminder heavy-handed or accusatory. Instead, it should be a gentle way to introduce your request. Start by saying something like, "Hey, Dad. Remember how Grandma and Grandpa gave you some money when their parents died? I was thinking …"

Here, you'll want to have a well-thought-out financial plan. Research investment options, savings accounts, and trusts, and determine how to maximize the financial gift you're requesting. Then, pitch this plan to your parents.

Whether your parents are still holding onto the inheritance tightly because they still see you and your sister as fiscally irresponsible teenagers, themselves as the only one who knows how to manage money, or because they have personal retirement concerns — presenting them with a plan is a great way to inspire his confidence. If they approve of your plan, they will know that giving you the money is not a risky indulgence but a sound choice.

Before you talk to your parents, however, I suggest you examine your motives first. There are two different types of entitlement: justified and absurd. Justified entitlement looks like someone driving to pick up their paycheck after working all week. Absurd entitlement looks like the SUV cutting the school pick-up line because the driver believes their time outranks everyone else's.

Based on your letter, I would guess your entitlement is justified. There is nothing wrong with having expectations because your family has always done something a specific way. However, the justified begins veering into the absurd if you feel actual resentment toward your family for not giving you something that isn't yours.

Self-awareness in this regard is crucial for personal growth and will also come across in your tone. If your parents sense you are upset with them for even making you ask, they will be understandably hurt, which will only break down your dynamic.

I'm sure that whatever answer you get, you agree that your relationship with your family matters more than any check, no matter how large.

Rooting for you,

For Love & Money

Looking for advice on how your savings, debt, or another financial challenge is affecting your relationships? Write to For Love & Money using this Google form.

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